Friday, July 29, 2011

Fun with Email Spammers

Hi All,

So, I'm unemployed at the moment, looking for work and keeping myself busy however I can. In this case, I'm replying to spam emailers trying to sell things. Sometimes this can be enjoyable. Here's my exchange with a spammer trying to sell me an ELECTRONIC CIGARETTE:

FROM SPAMMER:

Craig!
It's Thelma Moore!
John Savino next week will have big anniversary!
What gift would be the best?
I was talking to our friends, John
suggested me to buy ELECTRONIC CIGARETTE package.
John Savino big smoker, will use it.
Marc smokes for some time, he the best deal at:
http://antiquelongcaseclocks.com/esmoke
Let`s keep in touch!

MY REPLY:

Thelma!

Oh, shit, I forgot all about ole Johnny's birthday! Savino! The Savv-ster! Jesus, Thelma, thanks for reminding me. John's wife Trudy would probably have straight-up murdered me if I had forgotten! I mean, really, shivved me in the belly. You know how she spent those 5 years up at Attica for running over that pack of Girl Scouts, right?


Listen, I like the idea of ELECTRONIC CIGARETTES, but don't you think it's a little, y'know, ON THE NOSE? Considering Johnny has throat cancer, and the docs just finished cutting that hole in his throat and now he talks sort of like an octogenarian Darth Vader with that little speaker-box thingie that he holds up to the hole? I know he loves the sweet, sweet taste of Virginia tobacco, but I'm just concerned it's a little insensitive.


Secondly, I KNOW Marc smokes all the time. He fell asleep smoking the other day and lit his hair on fire, then his chesterfield, then his house and ultimately the houses all down his block and the orphanage. Didn't you see the headline in the paper? "IDIOT BURNS TO DEATH IN CIGARETTE BLAZE; DOZENS DEAD, INCLUDING ORPHANAGE FULL OF GOD'S MOST INNOCENT CREATURES"?

Now if he'd fallen asleep smoking an ELECTRONIC CIGARETTE, maybe things would have been different ... but maybe it would have touched off an electric fire! These are things we must consider, Thelma, before committing ourselves to any such purchase.

Please write back and let's discuss. I want to hear your take on it!

FROM THELMA:

Craig!
It's Thelma Moore!
John Savino next week will have big anniversary!
What gift would be the best?
I was talking to our friends, John
suggested me to buy ELECTRONIC CIGARETTE package.
John Savino big smoker, will use it.
Marc smokes for some time, he the best deal at:
http://antiquelongcaseclocks.com/esmoke
Let`s keep in touch!

MY REPLY:

THELMA!

Hey, listen, you don't have to be hostile and send the EXACT SAME MESSAGE again! Chill out! We both want the same thing, don't we, and that's to give our good buddy John Savino the bestest present ever!

I owe Savvy a lot more than a present. I don't have to tell you about how Savino saved my life, seeing as that's a well-known story in our tight-knit group of friends but it's a story worth retelling, huh?

John Savino was my Captain back in 'Nam. We were deep in the shit together, as you well know! We were sent up the Phenglong river in a gunboat to find the reclusive General Burtz. Scuttlebutt had it that Burtz had gone crazy out there in the jungle the wilderness had leeched into him like poison, I tell you, warping his mind.

We were floating on up that river, Savino and I, with a small crew that included Jesse "The Body" Ventura, Telly Savalas, and that big Native guy who looked like Chief from "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" but wasn't.

Lo and behold we come across Burtz's jungle compound. Turns out he was hosting this illegal fight tournament; he'd invited the best fighters on earth, as well as a few from the demon realm; there was Frank Dux, Johnny Cage, the guy who played Ogre in "Revenge of the Nerds" and this big four-armed monster named Goro who looked like Chief from "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" but wasn't.

Wouldn't you know it if ole Savino didn't take one look at the assembled fighters and said, "I can lick the bunch of them in a fair tussle!"

Now you and I both know John Savino was, and remains, five feet tall and weighs 115 pounds. And because of that chromosomal thing he's got, his feet point backwards and his spine is twisted up like a corkscrew slide. Not to mention which, he's blind in both eyes and sticks one of those crooked old-timey funnels in his ear when you speak to him, going "EH? Eh? Speak up!" And by that point he'd picked up a touch of the flesh-rotting disease and a straw-legged jungle bird had flown off with his hair weave.

Which is all to say, I admired the man's confidence and I think he had a good shot.

Well wouldn't you know it, first round of the tournament Savino draws that Goro fellow. Two seconds in Goro grabs hold of the Savv-ster's stickman arms and pulls them clean off his body!

"Yee-ouch!" goes Savvy. "That stings, baby!"

"Who loves ya, baby!" Telly Savalas shouted.

After that it was pandemonium. Jesse Ventura let loose with his chain gun, chopping up the lush jungle foliage. The big Native fellow ripped a drinking fountain out of the wall while this haunting saw-music played and threw it at Ogre, who was screaming "NEEEEEERDS!"

Poor Savvy was hopping around with blood sprinklering out of his stumps, going: "Yikes! Holy lick! Can anyone spare a drop of iodine?"

Now you may be thinking this is not in fact a true story; you may think it's a cheap pastiche of characters and scenes from the films Predator, Mortal Combat, Bloodsport, and Apocalypse Now.

But of course, since you know Savvy, you know it's 100% true.

As for how Savvy saved my life: that was much earlier, when he slapped a mosquito on my arm that may have been carrying the Dengue Fever. Phew!

Okay, Thelma, get back to me and let's talk about gifts for Savvy!

Yours most cordially,
The Sarge.

THELMA'S REPLY:

Craig!

It's Thelma Moore!
John Savino next week will have big anniversary!
What gift would be the best?
I was talking to our friends, John
suggested me to buy ELECTRONIC CIGARETTE package.
John Savino big smoker, will use it.
Marc smokes for some time, he the best deal at:
http://antiquelongcaseclocks.com/esmoke
Let`s keep in touch!

MY REPLY:

Thelma!

Holy broken record! You've got a real lady-boner for this ELECTRONIC CIGARETTE, don't you?
Listen, hear me out. I've got some other gift ideas.

How about we get Savvy an escort? You know what a filthy bastard the man is, right? Depraved doesn't even really begin to describe it! One time at his house he showed me one of his and Trudy's "home videos"; we're talking whips and chains and honey and there were ferrets, too, hungry ferrets and a clown noses and a balloon-drop and some game they called "Spanking Whimsy" and another called "Fat n' Sassy" plus a device Savvy called "Admiral Ticklebottom" ... I had to rush out for a bottle of eyeball bleach when it was all through!

Or what about one of those penis-stretching devices that friendly strangers keep sending me emails about? As you know, poor ole Savvy did loose the tip of his Little Soldier when one of those aforementioned ferrets stole into his trousers whilst he was sleeping. He was already a bit insecure about his size before that "I'm hung like an acorn!" was his frequent lament, as I'm sure you've heard him say at PTA meetings and then, after the ferret ... well, I can only imagine he might appreciate some help in the, ahem, "lap lengthening" department!

No? Okay, then how about one of those ELECTRONIC CIGARETTES? That was my idea, anyway. Fact is, Savvy's always smoking up a storm. He smokes just about anything he can get his hands on. Banana peels. Pages torn out of the phone book. Curls of old radial tires. I mean, honestly, it's pretty grim. So I was thinking we get him one of those ELECTRONIC CIGARETTES; here's a place I found:

http://antiquelongcaseclocks.com/esmoke

But here's the thing, Thelma: I'm a little light right now. As you know, I sell two things: black market organs and my own body. Lately I haven't been able to drug anyone sufficiently that I can cut their kidneys out and leave them to wake up in a bathtub full of ice the next morning. Plus I've come down with a fairly dire case of scurvy, making me an unappealing prospect for "johns" in the ole sack-a-reeno, if you know what I'm saying.

Long story short, I can't swing the price of this ELECTRONIC CIGARETTE.

So how's this: YOU buy the ELECTRONIC CIGARETTE, put my name on the card, and I'll pay you back later! Good? Good!

Yours in Christ,
Bill Wennington, NBA Champ (1992)

THELMA'S REPLY:

...

All best, Craig.

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